love is in the air!
and i can barely breath. january is coming.. next thing you know, it's feb and people will be celebrating valentines day! gah...
i'm not saying this because i'm bitter of not having someone to fully share the day with. i'm merely releasing my thoughts. sure, i don't have anyone to call as my 'significant other' with all the mutual understandings and shit. it's just funny how couples tend to celebrate this day with ground breaking flies in their wallets and butterflies coming out of their pockets. but, what is love now? It doesn't exist. It's all hormones, confusion, your sanity is hanging on the edge. but as they all say, brilliance is edged with insanity. you may not need a point or a reason to love but sometimes reality just has to bite back and make you realize that a load of crap has been happening. you feel the love, infatuation or the raging hormones and feel a jolt of electricity within you as you fight the urge to stop and consider the truth that has been happening. your mind tells you that love exists in this situation. but these feelings are going to be temporary. eventually everything will crunch up to the beginning and return to one's first and only "love". the feeling becomes enclosed in a box of memories. together with the bitter truth of the past. (my mind is drifting away from my point) anyway, i remember myself saying, "I don't believe in love." in front of 45 people just to support my answer after being asked if 'i was willing to change everything in my life for love'. what a load of crap. i wouldn't risk anything just for the sake of love. gawd. that line is so cliched. but what if wasn't love, what could it possibly have been? i might be eating my words when the time comes. but until then, i'm sure i won't get caught up in the nasty web of 'love', what with all its mushy, cliched eewness.
i got this from a book. and i almost share he same sentiments as the writer. except for the 'envy' part. i'm merely interested in people who are like that.
"It is never easy to lay open the door to your heart, because love and rejection get in the same way. Love is not for the faint hearted. I envy the the people who can plunge headlong into relationships after but just some tentative attempts at getting to know another person. I envy people who can meet strangers and shortly afterward declare that they were meant for each other. I envy those who are not afraid to go after their consequences and damn the consequences. i envy eople who can go from conquest to conquest without feeling diminished by it."
I can never be like them. i don't think like them. Once you've tasted manna from heaven, why bother with bread from the baker? Nothing compares with it.
"One love, one lifetime." Not one conquest after another. As Sting sings, that's not the shape of my heart."
This was posted about a year ago. (can be viewed in my archives) When i was still MORE confused of everything that has been happening around me and to myself. plus, it was also the time that i never stopped thinking. almost about everything.
so here's another realization.. after 1 year's worth of thinking, countless days of being dr. love with my friends, and those emo-nights that you just can't stop thinking about your current status in life.----singlehood. (if there is even a word or a status for that matter)
i've come to realize that i simply have a fear of rejection. i don't want to drive anyone away by letting them know what i feel or what i might or may be feeling--because i fear being rejected. i dont want to be left alone after months of being together and establishing a great friendship with all the trust in the world. Rejection. i'm not afraid of anything else. just that. i'm too paranoid and too pessimistic when it comes to being emo.
but hey, look on the bright side. i still have another year of thinking. and maybe by then, my fear would be gone. it's just a matter of lowering my pride and letting someone help me. and maybe by then, i'd be open to the idea of.... you know.. hmmm... whatever. (no nasty thoughts please)
emo-ness aside, i do believe in love... it's just the whole process that i'm trying to think about. crap with the hormones. time to grow up.